


It’s All Your Fault

by Creed Cascade (creedcascade)



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-06
Updated: 2011-11-06
Packaged: 2017-10-25 18:48:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/273569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creedcascade/pseuds/Creed%20Cascade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has a bit of a break down when he realizes he’s in love with Danny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It’s All Your Fault

Steve had a definite type.

He preferred his women shorter than him, but not prissy or weak. The kind of girl he went for was confident and sporty. They could keep up with him and usually ran verbal circles around him. He had a weakness for blondes, but it was the personality in a partner that was most important. They usually pursued him and that was just fine.

It was key that his girlfriends were independent. They had to be happy with who they were, the life they’d built, and weren’t itching for the white picket fence dream. Commitment to a certain point was fine by him, but they had to understand it wouldn’t get serious. Serial one night stands were what one of his ex-girlfriends called his habits. They usually split on good terms and he was friends with most of his ex-girlfriends. He looked for a friend with benefits, not a wife.

There was a certain someone in active service that fit the bill to a tea.

He could hear his father’s gruff voice in his head… “She’s a good girl, Steven. She puts up with your shit. You should marry her. Maybe she’ll make a real man out of you.”

She was exactly his type and career woman who was fine with what they had. He could have his own demanding career and the “perfect” girlfriend. There was only one problem… Danny Williams. When he slept with his girlfriend, Steve thought about him. When he tried to forget Danny and romance her, he wondered want Danny was doing.

Danny was exactly his type and that scared Steve shitless.

Steve had a dirty, dark little secret. He had a tendency to fall in love with his best friends. His very male and painfully straight best friends.

It started back in high school with one of his team mates. A running back that was extremely talented, but too short to play college football. Steve denied his feeling and slept with half of the cheerleaders. He purposely went to another college so he wouldn’t be around the other boy anymore.

His college roommate was funny, brash, sported a goatee, and had a bit of a Napoleon Complex. Women ignored him at first, but the guy could charm almost anyone, including Steve when they weren’t bickering about dirty socks. Steve was sure the dorm room still had a dent in the wall where Steve banged his head against the wall while his roommate banged a string of co-eds in the other room. Steve wanted to kiss him, so he joined the Navy after he slept with the captain of the women’s soccer team.

The Navy was supposed to be his refuge and redemption. He just hadn’t figured on a loud-mouthed Lieutenant who liked football, played a mean game of chess, and boasted mid-Western good looks that made Steve think of him every-goddamn-time he jacked off on the freakin’ super carrier. They quickly became fast friends and he got invited back to Idaho for Christmas. Steve requested a transfer to another ship before the holiday rolled around. Steve still got Christmas cards from the man who now had a pretty little wife and three blonde, blue eyed sons.

Steve had wanted all of them and knew none of them wanted him back, though he’d never given them a chance. Maybe that’s why he fell for them, because he knew there was no hope.

It was a pattern that worked for him. If they got too close… if they were close to figuring out his secret, he ran. He ran fast and far. Steve was pretty damn certain that none of them had figured out his secret. The only person who’d come close had been his father. His old man seemed to know that Steve was different from day one. He pushed Steve harder, demanding the best from him and proud when his boy delivered. His dad was proud, but there always was something that hinted of the hidden disappointment.

A+ student and star quarterback with a pretty girlfriend, but his dad still looked at him funny when he smiled at his best friend. Navy officer and college graduate wasn’t good enough. His father wanted him to settle down and carry on the family name. It had led to a fight… one of the worst nights of his life. His father had shouted, “No son of mine is a goddamn faggot!”

Steve had hit his father and left, yelling behind him, “Then, I’m no son of yours!”

He left the island and his life… but, he still loved his father and couldn’t stop wanting his approval. They regretted that night, but both of them were too stubborn to move on and forgive. Loyal, obstinate, and duty bound. Like father, like son.

Then Steve met Danny Williams. The mouthy son-of-a-bitch was the best of all of his past crushes rolled up into one big ball of Jersey attitude. Steve tried to remind himself of the reasons why Danny was the wrong person…

Mainlander… bad manners… horrible eating habits… annoying… those goddamn ties… straight… male…

But, then he remembered the other things…

Aggressive…. brash… loyal… brave… smart… confident… funny… scruffy… hot…

So fucking hot.

The fact that Danny had been married and had a kid only made it worse. It showed he could commit and seeing Danny with Grace made Steve feel a little goofy. Danny was a damn good father. He was good, decent man. He quickly became Steve’s partner and best friend, bulldozing his way into every aspect of Steve’s life.

He told Steve off on a daily basis… on an hourly basis… and it made it all the worse for Steve. A pissy Danny in a full blown rant was especially hot. Steve just wanted to kiss him to shut-him-the-hell-up. He aggravated Danny simply to hear a rant in a juvenile display that was pretty equivalent to pulling a girl’s pigtail if they’d been in grade school. Anything to be the centre of Danny’s attention.

He dreamed about the bravado and crooked grin directed at him. He could imagine Danny stalking towards him with that swagger… five o’clock shadow… wrinkled dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up… no tie… Steve wanted to pull the tie off and throw it away to unbutton the shirt… a touch of blonde chest hair… and the stocky, powerful build… strong, calloused hands. Demanding hands that touched him knowingly and with affection... touching him all of the right spots.

Part of Steve’s type was someone who knew what they liked and wasn’t afraid to take it. He liked the idea of Danny being shorter than him. It wasn’t about inequality… it was just a preference… an unexplained thing. He loved it when his lovers looked up at him and smirked… he thought about Danny grabbing his shirt, wrapping his fingers into the fabric and tugging, pulling him down into a kiss. He wanted to get his hands onto Danny’s ass… feel his abs… feel his intensity. To feel and keep everything that was apart of their friendship and partnership, but build on it. He wanted the unattainable.

Steve had it bad. This wasn’t a crush… this was full blown, gut wrenching love. He felt sick… sick at the thought of not having Danny, but more sick at the thought of losing Danny if he was found out. He couldn’t risk loosing his partner and friend. On more than one night he had woken up in a cold sweat… alone… so alone, driven out a nightmare out of where he confessed his feelings to Danny and was shoved, punched… called every horrible name that Steve hated…

“How could I ever want a pathetic fag like you? You’re so fucking needy, McGarrett. You’re weak, hiding in the Navy with real men. It’s no wonder your father didn’t want you. He knew. He knew you weren’t a real man… he knew your disgusting, unnatural secret… I hate you…”

The first night he had the dream Steve threw up in the garbage can by his bed. He was distant and pale the next day, but Danny was relentless drawing him out with ribbing insults and jokes until he smiled. He started to bicker back and it felt right. His stomach did a little flip-flop when Danny rewarded him with a crooked, toothy grin.

A few nights later Steve gave into temptation and jacked off, fantasying that Danny sucked him off and fucked him hard. He woke up in the humid darkness to a new dream with the nightmare Danny still mocking him in his mind’s eye.

“I’d never want you. You’re not worth the trouble, McGarrett. I don’t want you or trust you around my daughter, you sick fuck.”

Steve stumbled out of bed and slammed his fist into the medicine cabinet mirror, the shards falling into the porcelain sink. The hateful words rung in his ears as he crumpled to floor.

He couldn’t be this way… he’d fought it his whole life. He didn’t hate other men who were gay. Serving his country, he fought for their right to love whoever they wanted and live a safe life. Steve was honoured to serve with anyone who served their country and he didn’t care who they loved. As far as he was concerned, gay marriage shouldn’t be an issue. It was rationale that people were born the way they were, gay, straight, and everything in-between. Everyone had the right to live a normal life without shame. But, that rationality didn’t stop his feelings of inadequacy and the shame… he shouldn’t be this way, but he was.

Steve was so desperate that he even had his cell phone in hand, pressed Danny’s number, but hung up after one ring. He’d be ready to confess everything and beg Danny to love him. Then he threw the phone against the bathroom wall, smashing it in half. Keeping Danny as a friend was better than nothing.

He spent a sleepless night huddled on the bathroom floor trying to figure out what to do. Steve took the cowardly way out and called into work sick on his landline, going straight back to the bathroom floor. He couldn’t face Danny until he got his act together. So he intended to stay on the bathroom floor until he could push everything deep, deep down and hide it behind a fake smile.

But, he shouldn’t have underestimated Danny. His partner didn’t buy the brief mumbled voicemail message. Danny wouldn’t and he didn’t, because it took Steve a moment to realize he wasn’t imaging his partner standing over him.

Danny was scowling at him and then he noticed the broken mirror shards in the sink. “What the fuck?”

“How did you get in here?” Steve blinked a few times.

“I picked the lock, bitch. What’s wrong with you?”

Steve kept his gaze locked onto the tile and kept his tone cold. “I have the flu.”

Danny’s put his hands on his hips. “Bullshit. You look like shit, but don’t have the flu.”

“I have the flu if I say I have the fucking flu,” Steve snapped.

Danny pulled the towel off the towel rack. He crouched down, laying his hand on Steve’s forehead. Steve tried to bat away Danny’s hand, but Steve grabbed his wrist. He carefully wrapped the injured hand in the towel. “You don’t have a fever.”

Steve eyes widened and he tried to back away, but his escape was hindered by the toilet. He was shaking and breathing hard. “Danny, please just…”

“What’s wrong?”

Steve was so tired and desperate, mind and body wanting what was so close. “Just back off,” he begged. “Danno, I… give me a few minutes, okay?” He tried to offer what he thought was a reassuring smile. “We’ll go for coffee or something.”

“Pig-headed asshole,” Danny mumbled the insult like it was an endearment and pulled a struggling Steve into an embrace. “Whatever you need, just ask. I can help.”

Steve shuddered… he should push Danny away, but the temptation was too great. His head hurt and the nightmares had been so real, but he loathed himself for thinking Danny would say those hateful words. Because, it wasn’t true… Danny was a good friend. A kind man who wouldn’t judge him… perhaps, even worse, he would pity him. It would kill Steve if Danny said he loved him, but only like a friend and everything Steve wanted could never happen. Steve promised himself just a few moments of comfort… just a moment to wallow in the hope of loving Danny. He laid his head on Danny’s shoulder and closed his eyes. Steve could feel Danny’s whiskers against his own cheek and his strong body offering comfort. Danny’s hand settled on the back of Steve’s neck and Steve shivered, pressing closer to his friend.

Any moment now he had every intention of pushing away… any moment…

“Steve, what’s wrong?” Danny whispered into his ear.

“It’s all your fault, Danno,” Steve confessed and his voice cracked.

“What is?”

Steve stayed silent until his conscious got the better of him. He couldn’t run now and Danny deserved to know the truth.

“It’s your fault…” Steve couldn’t force himself to confess the rest and he turned his head just enough to brush his lips against Danny’s neck. He kissed him lightly, waiting for Danny to pull away and punch him. Confession by touch… Danny didn’t pull away, but instead gasped a little moan.

Steve pressed another kiss and pulled Danny closer. “I’m sorry.”

“Is that’s what’s tearing you up?”

“I’m s-sorry,” Steve repeated and kept laying light kisses along Danny’s jaw line. “I don’t…”

“Shhh…” Danny fumbled until he found Steve’s hand and interlaced their fingers together. He rearranged himself until he was sitting on the floor, back pressed to the wall by the sink. Steve’s back was to Danny’s chest, sitting between Danny’s outstretched legs. “This… this isn’t something to tear yourself up over. I didn’t know…”

“I know you’re not-”

“Shut up, Steve,” Danny cut him off gently. It was a tone Steve had only ever heard him use with Grace before. “It’s okay. This is… okay. We’re okay.”

“But, I…”

Danny cut him off with a gentle and hesitant kiss. “I don’t know what to do, but I want to do that.”

“Oh.”

With the kiss, Steve shuddered with a full body shiver… the good kind of shiver. Danny was touching him… kissing him. It wasn’t a lost cause… Danny knew his secret and he wasn’t running. Steve couldn’t seem to process the newest revelation. Not lust now… but understanding, comfort, and intimacy no one had ever given him before. Steve had gotten too close and Steve was scared, hating that he was scared but wanted this more frantically than anything else.

“D-Danno?”

“S’okay. We’ll figure this out…” The confident tone was back in Danny’s voice and Steve had to… wanted to believe. There was hope and Steve clung to that as he clung to Danny.

END.


End file.
